Another school shooting? Yes. Another.

We are all in the gutter,

but some of us are looking at the stars.

- Oscar Wilde

Over this past week, it's been difficult

to keep looking at the stars, hasn't it?

On Valentine's day,

17 children in the US (Parkland, Florida) were murdered. 

Gunned down by another young, crazed, angry, white man.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

An 18 year old in the US can buy an AR-15 assault rifle,

but he can't buy a beer.

Some teenagers started eating Tide Pods (don't ask me why!)

and now, Tide Pods in grocery stores are practically kept

under lock & key, so as to avoid another incident.

In most pharmacies, certain medication

is kept safely stored behind the counter.

The guns - oh, those are ok.

You can buy them at Walmart,

along with 1000 of rounds of ammunition.

Not a problem at all.

IT.

IS.

INSANE.

It breaks my heart to know that these children

went through such hell.

I have faith that many of these young ones

are going to channel their anger and fear

into something grand and powerful.

Lord knows the old, white, wealthy politicians

are too busy counting their money to care at all.

So over the past week or so,

I've been busy cleaning & organizing!

It's not something I do often, trust me -

but lately, I've felt the need to get rid of some stuff,

externally and internally. ;)

The photo above is "before"

and the photo below here is "after".

It may not look that clean to some,

but it's more than fine for me.

I bought this fabulous book last weekend.
An illustrated book on how we are all
connected to the universe.

Science and art, rolled into one.
Hardcover, and it was something like $18 (CAN).

I love the book.

Anything that encourages
learning and thinking
is a good thing.

Too many of us have lost the ability (or the desire?)
to spend any time thinking on things.
We keep ourselves so busy,
that we barely allow ourselves time
to think of what to make for supper.

And with cell phones now,
we are almost constantly distracted 
from our own thoughts.

Sometimes, when things get heavy out there,

or when things just don't make any sense to me -

it feels good to be reminded that we are ALL part

of a huge universe,

more connected than not,

and that even in nature, 

there is suffering.

So I didn't just clean my desk,

I cleaned the whole room,

and man, did it feel good once it was done.

And the best part?

I got rid of a LOT of books.

Like between 75 or 100.

That's huge for me.

I'm kind of a nerd when it comes 

to getting rid of books.

They just feel much more a "part of me"

than clothes or shoes or furniture. 

But I let them go with good intentions,

hoping that whoever reads them,

gets as much out of them as I did.

Besides, there's a time for everything, right?

Some of the books I purged had me thinking:

"why the hell did I want to read THIS?!?" :)

Ta Daaaaaa!

Both book shelves - done.

I like organizing my books by color,

but I haven't tackled that since the cleanup.

I'm visual so whenever I'm looking for a certain book,

I can always remember the color,

and I usually find it quickly.

Plus, it looks cool when it's color coded. ;)

So I did this (below) on the evening of Feb 14th...
I was (and am still) so angry about it all.

And I did this one (below) the day after...
still processing the anger and sadness.

Some people can talk about it for an hour,
and then they're fine.
They move on to something else.

Not me.

I need to sit with the stories
and the questions, 
and the words -
sometimes for days.
None of it makes any sense,
but I'm at least able
to turn the anger & sadness
into art that becomes somewhat healing for me.

I can only hope the families of those murdered
can find their own path
to healing somehow...

Thanks for being here!
I'll keep you posted here on my new website 
as soon as it's live!
Wishing you all a happy week!
xo

finding time and Milton Glaser

hello everyone!

Here we are, 8pm on a Sunday night -

and I am in weekend mode

as long as I can stretch it. :)

The weather was beautiful today...
sunny and about 18C (65F)
which is nicer than it's been in a while.
No more snow at least
and the days are getting longer & warmer.
I sat outside today
with a coffee and a good book
and stayed there till late afternoon.
I washed some clothes
and hung them outside -
something my grandmother loved to do,
and my mother loved to do,
and now I love to do.
Then I made spaghetti sauce
so i didn't spend the entire day
on my ass
but i could have, easily. :)

I've felt this strange distance
from drawing these days.
When I do draw, it's done quickly
and with less patience it seems.
I've been writing a bit more than drawing
but even that - I am finding little time for these days.

Whenever I start working again,
it always takes me a little while
to adjust & find my groove.
To feel like myself again.
I always feel lost in those
first few days/weeks.
I usually paint a lot less
and write a lot more.
Then I start squeezing in a sketch
here and there
and by the time week 4 or 5 rolls in,
i'm doing what makes me happy
at least some of the time
during the course of a day.

It is difficult for me

to be in a social setting all day,

where there is rarely a quiet hour

during the day.

Sometimes, I get home

and i feel exhausted.

Like I've physically worked hard all day.

Being around people who talk a lot

(and usually say little)

drains my energy.

So that's when things like

yoga

or books

or a hot bath

or mint tea

or a nice walk

or a good Netflix movie

come in handy.

All of these things

save my sanity

and honestly -

compared to last year at this time,

i am in good shape.

We're not always able
to find what fuels us
and some of us know what we need
but it's just not attainable
for whatever reason
when we most need it.
My heart goes out to those people.
Those who run on adrenaline.
Or on fumes.
Neither is good
and if you are one of those people,
know that there are better days ahead.
Mom came from a family
of 13 children.
There had to be many moments
in my grandmother's life
where she was in desperate need
of a hot bath
or a quiet cup of tea
or an afternoon nap -
and she instead
had to feed the children
or bake bread
or mend the torn 
and tattered clothing.
I am in awe of such women.

Me, mom, and my sick little brother Ricky.
I was about 5 or 6. 

On another note,
I picked up this cute little book
the other day at the 2nd hand book store.

I am a sucker for books with visuals. :)

 This little doodle/logo page

brought me back to my college days 
when i studied graphic design.
I am more grateful now than ever
that I chose this for my career.
We don't often think of it,
but we are surrounded with art & design.
Packaging.
Posters.
Billboards.
Book covers.
The newspaper.
Your furniture.
Your fridge.
Your car.
Your clothes.
A good designer knows
that it's not only about how it looks,
but it's about what it communicates
and how it makes you feel.
Here's little video (6 min)
on one of my favorite designers,
Milton Glaser -
about art
and design
and love of life.
Happy week everyone!
Thanks for being here.
xx

blue skies

I am loving this winter

compared to the last!

- Pauline Leger :)

I took this photo just the other day

on my afternoon walk.

Can you see the second sun there? 

When I took the photo, 

i was blinded by the sun in my face

so i didn't notice anything else in the sky...

but who knows? 

Maybe it's a reflection of something in the lens,

or maybe it's another planet.

Either way, it's beautiful.

This (below) is a photo of our front yard

taken a few days ago.

..and this is the same view,

taken at about the same time last year!!

Ask me why i was so often down in the dumps.

(the snowplow, trying to clear our road last year. Yes, that was the ROAD)

I found last winter so difficult

(for more reasons than one)

and i wonder how you all put up

with my ranting & complaining all the time?

The main issue for me last year was this:

I worked at a job that i grew to hate.

It's a strong word, I know.

I tried to like it, i honestly did.

I tried to understand my co-workers.

I tried to take the advice of some people,

to just go in, do your job, and come home

but i just couldn't do it.

(my friends told me to not go back) :) 

The frustration stayed with me.

And my reasons for staying?

I had said YES.

I needed to work.

The money was good.

It was close to home.

It was only a 5 month contract.

Eventually though,

i started to notice a difference in me.

A difference I didn't like.

I was more often sick.

I would often wake with headaches.

I was losing patience 

far more often than i normally would.

I didn't want to see my friends much.

Everyone annoyed me

and everything just felt heavy.

Some would say that's just menopause -

and maybe some would be right... 

but i know it was more than that.

It was something deeper.

(and no, it wasn't depression)

So I finished my 5 month term
and i told myself I would never work again
in such a negative environment,
regardless of the money.
It may not be negative for everyone,
but it was negative for me.
Imagine putting an free spirited artist
(who is not interested in material wealth)
to work at Wall Street.
Yeah, it was kinda like that. 

And I say all of this because
i met with my doctor a few weeks ago
for a routine check up,
and the first thing she said was:
Wow. You look so much better
than the last time i saw you.

I told her about my decision
to stay away from work that drains me
and my starting a gratitude journal again,
and going outside whenever I can...
First, she said she was so happy for me.
Then she said:
i know a few things about you...
I know that you can't stand injustice & greed

I know you love art & making work that matters

and I know you're an introvert...

So how did you ever make the decision
to even apply for this job?
she asked with a smile on her face.
(she's a good doctor and she knows me well) :)

We all do things we don't wanna do sometimes.

That's life.

Very few people love their jobs all the time.

But deep down inside
when we are negatively affected
by the environment we are in,
we have to do everything in our power
to remove ourselves from that environment.
Deep down inside,
we all know what's good and what's bad for us.

So I let go.
I decided I wasn't going back to the same thing this year.
Letting go was exactly what I needed.
I am in such a better place now.

Letting go of expectations.
From others and myself.

Letting go of the idea that
I need to make a ton of money.
(Again, we need far less than we think.)
I'm happy for those who reach their financial goals
but if my goals are different (if i don't want the BMW)
then my LIFE will be different too.

Let go of society's definition of success.
Do your OWN thing.
If you work at a donut shop with fun people,
and you get up in the morning
and you're happy to go to work -
you are living a good life!
If you love crafts
and you work at a craft shop with fun people,
you are successful!
There are people who make $75,000/year
and who 'burn out' on a regular basis.
That is NOT my definition of a good life.

And speaking of a good life,
whenever i see photos on-line of someone's work space
i'm usually in awe of how clean it all looks.
Of course, we all know things aren't always as they SEEM.
Everything in its place.
Everything organized and tidy.
Not a speck of dust anywhere.
Well. 
Let's just say that's not me. ;)
This is part of my workspace
and it's on a good day.
With crap on every inch of the table...
and lots of stuff on the floor too!

Fluffy with a bad hair day.
We all have our bad hair days, right?
So we also have our bad/messy art table/floor days.

Blue skies...all the way.
Just for you.

Thanks for being here!
Have a great weekend everyone!
xx

to do or not to do?

Greetings earthlings! :)

Well, I've accomplished very little
in that usually wonderfully creative time
between Christmas and New Year.
Here we are, almost mid January...
all getting back to our 'normal' routines,
whatever that may be for you.

I woke up this morning,

made a pot of coffee,

and decided I would sit myself down,

and do Susannah Conway's

UNRAVELLING THE YEAR AHEAD.

(you can download it here, if you're interested)

I suck at goal setting and planning

and I don't do resolutions -

but her way of looking at things...

the important questions she asks,

always seem to lead me on the right path.

I've always been hard on myself.
I am not a high achiever,
& I don't have high expectations,
but I get a LOT of shit done
in the course of a year,
and I don't take enough time
to celebrate that.
I've never been good at celebrating
my accomplishments. 
There's a disconnect between
what I DO
and what I THINK I do.
I'm surprised sometimes,
when I look back at what I've done
or where I've been.
If I want to do something, I do it,
then i just move on to something else.
Until someone says: "that's amazing!",
I don't think much of it.
Last week, someone asked me about 
the illustrations I had done in the past
for children's books.
I pulled out a few things I had done
over the past few years
and sent pics of them to her in an email.
As I was going through them, I started thinking:
"wow. I've done a lot of illustrations!" 
"wow. How lucky that I was able to illustrate
so many fun children's books!"
"Some of these are pretty damn good!"
I do things in small increments...
one little piece of art, here and there.
But I rarely ever pull them all together
and look at the whole.
I guess that's what I'm trying to do -
in art and in life.
Pulling everything together
and celebrating what actually gets done.
Celebrating the lessons learned.
Celebrating the small steps towards change.
Towards a life that feels more like "me".
I'm not gonna get all corny
and open a bottle of champagne or anything,
but just SEEING everything
I've managed to get done,
even when I feel like I'm not doing much.

Last year, I did the "29 faces in February" art challenge.

One small portrait of myself, every day for 29 days.

I did them on small index cards,

so they wouldn't take much time.

When I finished the month,

the index cards went to the corner of my table,

and I never looked at them again.

Until the other night, when I was sorting out some things

and I saw them.

I put them all on the floor, all 29 of them,

next to one another,

and I was impressed with the mosaic of color and style.

"Wow." I thought.

"I did this".

Sometimes, I actually don't remember

making the art.

But i do know one thing:

i was happy while I was doing it. :)

Because many of us as artists

are rarely compensated with money (at least consistently),

it's up to us to gather our work now and then

and admire how much we actually get done.

Money is never an indicator

of how much you accomplish (or not).

Never use money

as a measuring stick for anything.

Especially not for your happiness.

Use joy instead.

Peace of mind.

The way you feel 

when you sit yourself down

with a blank canvas & paints,

or with a new journal and a sparkly pens,

or with a good book...

Ralph Waldo Emerson only came out

of his sanctuary in the woods when his money ran out,

and he came out only long enough to make enough money,

to allow himself to go back to the woods again

and do what brought him joy - write.

If making money had been his priority,

I doubt that we would have

so many of his great writing.

The real joy for me

has nothing to do with the money I make as an artist,

but it has everything to do

with making the art itself.

 

So I'm setting 'intentions' for the new year.

Not plans, not resolutions, not goals.

INTENTIONS.

Which basically means:

no pressure.

And also,

something you can't fuck up. :)

 ...and a little bit of art. 
Very little these days.

 I'm taking what comes my way
and making the best of it.

 Acrylic on paper...

On fire, with little energy.
That's what eating a ton of chocolate
and drinking too much wine will do.
And menopause. :)

What I'm currently reading.
The first is a graphic novel,
beautifully done about Dahmer as a student in school.
We tend to forget that there are killers amongst us.
The second is written by the author of WILD,
a collection of beautiful stories & words of advice,
by someone (Cheryl) who was basically an orphan at 21.
And John Elder Robison (Look me in the eye)
is the brother of Augusten Burroughs,
who wrote 'RUNNING WITH SCISSORS',
the sad memoir of how they were raised
by parents who were both mentally ill.
John's book is about his life with asperger's.
Their father was a college professor in the eastern USA,
and their mother was a poet/writer.
It always amazes to me that people can be raised in such dysfunction
and grow to become productive, sane human beings.
I guess some make it (like John Elder)
and some don't (like Jeffrey Dahmer).
I am loving each of these books.

Thanks for being here.
xx