maybe i'll become a monk

Everyone thinks of changing the world,

but no one thinks of changing himself.

- Leo Tolstoy

I went to the book store the other night.

I was picking up my son at a friend’s house at 9pm,

so I decided to drop into a local book store

for a bit before I picked him up.

My mind’s been going a little crazy lately –

all over the place.

So when I walked into Chapters that night,

here's what was going on in my head:

So I'm back at work. Again.

If i know I don't fit in there,

why do I keep going back?

For the same reason everyone else works.

For money.

I can’t believe Donald Trump made it this far.

I'm afraid terrorism has become the new normal.

So much anger in the world.

I miss mom…

I think back at when she was in the hospital,

and how much she suffered.

Life isn't always easy.

I wish _____ didn't drink so much.

I wish _____ was more at peace with himself.

I’m so happy _____ met _____.

They seem so good together.

I think it takes a lot of courage to divorce.

Some couple just shouldn’t stay together.

They start out ok, but something happens along

the way & they lose one another.

Too many people stay together

for the wrong reasons.

I loved that movie we watched

about Jean-Michel Basquiat.

I love that he did his own thing.

I hate that drugs took over his life

and we lost him much too soon.

I wonder if I'll ever "make it" as an artist?

And what does that really mean anyway?

To be in a gallery?

To be known?

To die young & tormented?

I'm so happy I have writing and art.

Being an artist is more about

how you feel on the inside

than about what happens on the outside.

It's about knowing your heart.

What more needs to be said & done?

So I walk into Chapters

with these thoughts flying through my head

like birds around a branch

and I stop at the first table I see.

Books on meditation and well-being and yoga.

Not books I would normally look at.

I pick up a small book by Thich Nhat Hanh,

the Vietnamese Buddhist monk,

on brush painting.

I flip to a page,

and I see these beautifully

hand brushed words:

a cloud never dies.

And all at once,

my mind was quiet.

I began to picture a blue sky,

with a slow moving cloud…

the way it moves and changes

and rearranges itself in the sky

– and then it slowly dissipates.

At one point, 

it is there

and moments later

it is gone.

I stood there with the book in my hands,

staring at the beautiful,

simple brush strokes…

imagining his hand writing

these few simple words

that said so much me

in that one moment.

My thoughts dissipated

just like the cloud.

And I understood.

All of the buzzing in my head

only moments before

no longer mattered.

It never had.

Life is suffering

and confusing

and frustrating at times.

But it is also beauty and truth and love.

These opposites always co-exist

and always will.

I can choose to go against the tide – or with it.

I can choose to see only darkness

or to see both light & dark.

I can choose to be the suffering,

or I can choose to be the dissipating cloud.

I much prefer being the cloud.

Thank you all for being here.

Wishing you all a fabulous weekend!

blue skies

I am loving this winter

compared to the last!

- Pauline Leger :)

I took this photo just the other day

on my afternoon walk.

Can you see the second sun there? 

When I took the photo, 

i was blinded by the sun in my face

so i didn't notice anything else in the sky...

but who knows? 

Maybe it's a reflection of something in the lens,

or maybe it's another planet.

Either way, it's beautiful.

This (below) is a photo of our front yard

taken a few days ago.

..and this is the same view,

taken at about the same time last year!!

Ask me why i was so often down in the dumps.

(the snowplow, trying to clear our road last year. Yes, that was the ROAD)

I found last winter so difficult

(for more reasons than one)

and i wonder how you all put up

with my ranting & complaining all the time?

The main issue for me last year was this:

I worked at a job that i grew to hate.

It's a strong word, I know.

I tried to like it, i honestly did.

I tried to understand my co-workers.

I tried to take the advice of some people,

to just go in, do your job, and come home

but i just couldn't do it.

(my friends told me to not go back) :) 

The frustration stayed with me.

And my reasons for staying?

I had said YES.

I needed to work.

The money was good.

It was close to home.

It was only a 5 month contract.

Eventually though,

i started to notice a difference in me.

A difference I didn't like.

I was more often sick.

I would often wake with headaches.

I was losing patience 

far more often than i normally would.

I didn't want to see my friends much.

Everyone annoyed me

and everything just felt heavy.

Some would say that's just menopause -

and maybe some would be right... 

but i know it was more than that.

It was something deeper.

(and no, it wasn't depression)

So I finished my 5 month term
and i told myself I would never work again
in such a negative environment,
regardless of the money.
It may not be negative for everyone,
but it was negative for me.
Imagine putting an free spirited artist
(who is not interested in material wealth)
to work at Wall Street.
Yeah, it was kinda like that. 

And I say all of this because
i met with my doctor a few weeks ago
for a routine check up,
and the first thing she said was:
Wow. You look so much better
than the last time i saw you.

I told her about my decision
to stay away from work that drains me
and my starting a gratitude journal again,
and going outside whenever I can...
First, she said she was so happy for me.
Then she said:
i know a few things about you...
I know that you can't stand injustice & greed

I know you love art & making work that matters

and I know you're an introvert...

So how did you ever make the decision
to even apply for this job?
she asked with a smile on her face.
(she's a good doctor and she knows me well) :)

We all do things we don't wanna do sometimes.

That's life.

Very few people love their jobs all the time.

But deep down inside
when we are negatively affected
by the environment we are in,
we have to do everything in our power
to remove ourselves from that environment.
Deep down inside,
we all know what's good and what's bad for us.

So I let go.
I decided I wasn't going back to the same thing this year.
Letting go was exactly what I needed.
I am in such a better place now.

Letting go of expectations.
From others and myself.

Letting go of the idea that
I need to make a ton of money.
(Again, we need far less than we think.)
I'm happy for those who reach their financial goals
but if my goals are different (if i don't want the BMW)
then my LIFE will be different too.

Let go of society's definition of success.
Do your OWN thing.
If you work at a donut shop with fun people,
and you get up in the morning
and you're happy to go to work -
you are living a good life!
If you love crafts
and you work at a craft shop with fun people,
you are successful!
There are people who make $75,000/year
and who 'burn out' on a regular basis.
That is NOT my definition of a good life.

And speaking of a good life,
whenever i see photos on-line of someone's work space
i'm usually in awe of how clean it all looks.
Of course, we all know things aren't always as they SEEM.
Everything in its place.
Everything organized and tidy.
Not a speck of dust anywhere.
Well. 
Let's just say that's not me. ;)
This is part of my workspace
and it's on a good day.
With crap on every inch of the table...
and lots of stuff on the floor too!

Fluffy with a bad hair day.
We all have our bad hair days, right?
So we also have our bad/messy art table/floor days.

Blue skies...all the way.
Just for you.

Thanks for being here!
Have a great weekend everyone!
xx