art, illness and Gord Downie

Do I contradict myself?

Very well, then, I contradict myself;

I am large - I contain multitudes. 

- Walt Whitman

I said I would blog more often,

and I didn't.

I said I would begin each day with a morning walk,

and I haven't been doing that.

I said I would do yoga on a regular basis

and I did yoga this morning -

for the first time in like 7 days.

Sometimes, things don't unravel 

the way we think they will.

Sometimes, we set the bar high

and don't accomplish half of what we want to,

and sometimes, there is no bar

and we move mountains.

I know that for some reason lately,

it's been more difficult for me

to sit myself down and post something.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have anything

worthwhile to say,

and sometimes, there's very little art. 

I've begun posting on Instagram here & there

and although it feels less personal to me than blogging,

I love that you can post something in an instant

and post from the phone (vs the computer).

So you'll probably find me there more often

than here.

Of course, I won't give up blogging

because i love writing and because it allows me

to share in more detail with you all,

but maybe i was a little optimistic

when I said i would blog "weekly". :)

So I'll blog when I can blog,

and I'll Instagram when I can Instagram.

Remember, I suck at commitment,

so if I put any pressure on myself,

i'll cave! :)

September has been beautiful here so far

and yesterday was actually another beach day.

We've been lucky with this unusually warm fall.

Of course, everyone's already starting to talk about

how hard and cold this winter is predicted to be,

based on the Farmer's Almanac, 

a reference book founded in 1792!

Yeah, I think I'll just enjoy

the weather we're having RIGHT NOW

rather than start worrying about

what MAY happen in 3 or 4 months, thank you. :)

The corner stores and coffee shops here are filled

with old men in baseball hats,

forecasting the weather and

fixing the government. :)

So this happened to me a few weeks ago...

A ROOT CANAL!

And let me tell you, it was far less painful

than what I was expecting.

Of course, when people find out

you're getting a root canal,

they give you the deer in the headlights look

and then your knees turn to jello. 

Maybe I just got a really good specialist,

but it was no more painful than getting a tooth filling.

It took a bit longer, that's all.

So there MAY be root canal horror stories out there,

but mine wasn't one of them.

So if any of you out there ever need this done,

trust that it's ALL gonna be ok. :)

Gord Downie.

Most Canadians (and probably many Americans!) 

watched the Tragically Hip concert a few weeks ago, on CBC.

Gord Downie (the lead singer) has terminal brain cancer,

and they decided to give a farewell concert to all their fans,

in his hometown of Kingston, Ontario.

Our hearts broke several times during the night,

as our eyes were glued to the TV for a 3 hour concert.

Gord is living his life fully,

and now, he's showing us all how to die...

dancing on a stage & singing at the top of his lungs,

in flashy pants & feathered hats.

He makes me very proud to be Canadian.

So I've been using paint tape more often lately,

when i'm painting abstracts.

I love the big reveal in the end,
when you peel off the tape.

It may not seem like much to others,
but it's a thrill for me each time.

I alternate between painting (often abstract)
and illustrated journal writing.

Sometimes, I feel like telling a story
and sometimes, i just feel like FEELING something.

I know that can sound corny to some,
but that's really what abstract painting is for me.
Starting with a few marks on the page (or canvas)
and just letting them take me where they wanna go.

Usually, the end result is very different
than where i thought it would go in the beginning.
Like in this case.
When i began with those harsh blue & black marks,
i had no idea it would end up looking like this.
It started out looking angry,
and it looks rather peaceful to me now.
That's what art does.
It allows you to work through some of the crap
on a subconscious level
without you even KNOWING it's working through it.
It doesn't mean your problems are solved,
but I believe they are at least sitting in your heart
in a less destructive way.
In a way that eats less at your insides.
Maybe it's just me,
but i always feel better about everything
after I've made art.

This is also happening lately...
my dad was recently diagnosed with Parkinson.
We had been noticing the smaller steps & shuffling feet
and the occasional falls for a while now :(

It all makes me sad to see him losing the ability
to do so many things,
but that's life, isn't it?

I went with him to the neurologist this week
and the medication will make a difference.
But he is 81, so chances are,
things will get worse before they get better.

And of course, he wants to stay in his apartment

as long as he possibly can

and i totally respect his need for independence.

In the meantime, we do what we can

to make his life safe and comfortable.

We're the lucky ones
to have him with us still,
when so many others leave this world far too soon.

On that note, today is Sept 11, 2001.
As always, my thoughts are with the families
of those who died on this day 15 years ago now.
A day that must've been hell for so many...

And one has to understand
that braveness is not the absence of fear
but rather the strength to keep on going forward
despite the fear.
- Paul Coelho

how art and Leonard Cohen heal my heart

hello everyone...

I am not a big fan of social media
and neither is this little bird,
even with the tweets. ;-)

This past Sunday was a difficult day,
but when evening came,
along with it came relief
that day would soon turn to night
and night into a new morning.

During the early evening,
I found my way to the blue room,
and played with paints and paper for a while.
(a great remedy for a sad heart)

If i was a doctor,
this is what i would prescribe to patients.
Solitary time
in a room with a view,
pens, paper,
and a box of Crayolas.
Maybe some music.
And some wine. ;-)

I was all over the place
with sketching and collaging and painting.

Like i had a thousand images in my head that wanted out...

Then i opened a book i had nearby
and landed on this page
and it was fucking poetic.
Don't you love it
when something comes together?
When you read something
or see something
or hear something
at what feels like exactly the right time?

Then i read this one...

What do i do?

i paint.

i write.

i listen to Leonard Cohen.

i count my blessings.

i see miracles in the every day.

Not in heaven,

but here.

In the every day.

i light a candle.

i pay attention to my breathing.

i walk along the ocean.
i read.
i remember.

i look at the moon & stars

and consider how minuscule i am

and how vast the universe is

and yet...

and yet.

xox

(what do YOU do?)

some of life's hard lessons

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

Buddha

The past few days brought on a few heavy reminders for me...

That...

I cannot save the world.

Life is not fair - but it is sacred.

Some things don't have a solution.

Caring for myself is as important as caring for others.

We all have our own crosses to bear.

The questions are as important as the answers.

I can be sensitive to another persons' pain without
letting myself by swallowed by it.

(pastel on paper)

Sometimes, i just need to pull back and get a little perspective...

There is hope for me yet... ;-)

Remember this?

and this...

and this...

ta daaaaaa....
Kurt Cobain - boom. Done.

I bit of fine tuning with black and yellow, 
and there you have it.
I do like it, although his right eye is too big.
Or maybe his left eye is too small... ;-)

Painting and writing always help me
find my way back to myself.

You all know what i mean, right?

Even if this painting ends up sitting on my studio floor
for 5 years...

Or my journal pages end up stacked on the shelf
for the next 20 years...

the process of having given my thoughts a voice
is what matters.

I care very little what happens to it after it's painted,
or after it's written,
because for me, the purpose was simply to paint it.

To write it.

What happens to it afterwards
is up to the moon and the stars. :-)

Happy weekend everyone.
xox