Monday, April 1, 2013

Speed Stick and poetry for mom...

may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.
- e.e. cummings 

Things have been a little cookoo here lately.

My husband works away and in the past week,
came home and left again
for another little while.

Several days ago, my son left for a trip to Mexico
- a dream vacation for any teenager -
and March came and went, it seems
with the blink of an eye.

I feel out of sorts when creative routines are disrupted
and yet...

i sometimes need the break,
away from the computer
away from the art room.

(did she really SAY that?!)

Yes. She did. ;-)

So i walked
and read
and worked
and listened to good music
and had coffee with friends
and pondered life...
i sketched a bit,
but nothing much
and a few days ago,
i found this gem of a book
at the used book store

It is a rather fine line
between genius and creativity sometimes...

I also wrote a bit.

It's been over four months
since the loss of my mother
and it sometimes feels
like it was just yesterday.

Here's what i wrote
after one of my morning walks...

i hate remembering
mom being so sick
as we drove home from her chemo treatments
she with the car seat pulled back
resting quietly,
eyes closed and
hand on her heart...

i love that i was there with her
holding her hand
in the end

i hate how her diagnosis
led her to self doubt
and questions
and blame for what she
should have done
and didn't do.

i love that we got to spend
two extra years together
after she had been told
she only had a few months to live.

i hate that cancer robbed her
of her body
of her hair
of her strength
of her energy
of her appetite.

i love that it never robbed her
of her will to live
nor did it ever take away
the sparkle in her eyes.

i hate that her life was cut short
when she still had
so much life left in her.

i love that i had her for this long
when so many people out there
lose their mothers when they are children.

i hate that her leaving
forced my father to fend for himself
to make his meals
to clean the house
to be alone
to mourn the loss
and that it left an emptiness
in the house and in our hearts
that can never be filled again.

i love that i had her for a mother
and that the lessons she taught me
are now being passed on
to my own son
with deep love
and a tinge of sadness…

mom with Fluffy...



  1. Pauline, you are such a good writer! I cried as I read your poem because it expresses exactly the way I feel!! We all hate what cancer did to her yet we were so lucky to have had her in our lives for as long as we did! She taught us so much in the last few years! Our big "cousins" weekend is almost here and I have mixed feeling about it as I know it will not be the same without her there! She was soooo much fun to be around!!

    I think about her every day and I'm so thankful that you were there with her during her struggles! Thank you for taking such good care of her! We all love you very much!!

    Tante Lucille

  2. This is so beautiful, Pauline. I love how you capture the opposing feelings...of gratitude with loss...of love with sadness...of treatments with pain. This struggle is so real and honest and so deep. Thank you for sharing your words, your thoughts, your life and love. With the daily struggles with my own mom and her health, I still am grateful to have her here. I do think of you. Hugs, k

  3. OK...I should've known better than to read this at work...I'm just hoping nobody walks into my office right now :'( I do agree huw we all hate what that damn cancer does to the people we love. I just hope that I've learned from her. I certainly know that I'm learning a lot about life from you!!! As Lucille just said...our cousins reunion will definetely not be the same without her there. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her!!! xoxo

  4. Today, I am thankful for your bravery in writing this. You know she loves it! Hugs and comfort sent your way, Pauline.

  5. The thing about visiting you is never knowing if you will laugh or cry... Today I cry...for your beautiful mother, your beautiful writing and the beautiful you!!

    Big hugs to an extremely talented woman!!


  6. Tears in my eyes. Beautiful words for such genuine vulnarable feelings...
    And: Good for you to take the time for yourself and unwind.

  7. your Speed Stick painting made me smile...and your sweet and lovely tribute to your mom brought tears. You are so very talented, and have expressed your love and frustration so elegantly...glad you linked to PPF!

  8. Tears fill my eyes as I'm trying to read your post to Robert. I love how you can express your feelings with such ease (at least on paper). Your mother was very lucky to have you in her life. You meant the world to her and it's obvious that the feeling was mutual. Thank you for sharing. I miss my sister dearly.
    Love tante Eveline

  9. Pauline as I read this I keep thinking how lucky your mom was to have such an amazing daughter to care for her ,to love her right to the end,and to be there for her when ever she neede to talk.I really miss my sister,miss her phone calls as she did almost every day and I miss her beautiful smile and will to go on.As for your dad we will help him in any way possible,we visit him when we have a chance and I think he really enjoys our visits.
    Thank you for taking such good care of her.Thank you for all those writings,it really help the soul.....Love you much from your ma tante Irma....xx