when things don't work out

hello Munchkins!

ok, so let's start at the start. :)

I feel like I'm all over the place lately.

Sometimes, I have nothing to share,

and other times,

i have too much. 

This is one of those times,

so make yourself comfortable

and if you leave here before the end of this post,

i'll totally understand and even forgive you. :)

Many of you know that dad stayed with us for a while
after he fell and broke 5 ribs a little over a month ago.
This is his dog, Fluffy.

Dad would put a blanket on her
when he'd go to bed at night,
in case she was cold. :)
Adorable.

After about a week with us,

and dad using the walker around the house,

I took him to a little park nearby, 

to practice walking with the walker outside.

He didn't do so well. hehhehee...

This is my dad (in red) and his brother Hervé.

Dad is 81 & Hervé is about 75.

My uncle Hervé is ill - in the early stages of Alzheimer's

and he was also diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

I love that considering everything,

they are both still making the most of life.

And I love this photo of them.

It's easy to smile when life is good

but it's those who can still smile when life is hard

that I admire most.

Yes, I've made some art!

This is a quick pastel sketch of the photo below.

A few weeks ago, we went to St. Martin's,

a beautiful spot about 2 hours from here,

filled with hiking trails & picnic stops

and breathtaking scenery.

I'll be sharing some photos later,

but for now - here's a little sample of the beauty.

I spent the whole day there with friends

and once again,

I was reminded that beauty is often found

right here at home.

A quick sketch of the news on TV,

(something I purposely don't watch regularly.)

This morning, it was raining when I woke up.

Is there anything better than a rainy Saturday?

Well, maybe a rainy Sunday.

The idea of staying inside in comfy clothing

(for me, it's yoga pants, a Tshirt and flip flops)

and doing whatever my little heart desires.

In this case - painting.

So I started the day with coffee,

and then the collage above.

Then I put paint tape around a page

and started playing with acrylic on paper...

Took the tape off a while later,

hated what i saw.

No matter how i looked at it,

i just saw the face of an alien.

So I thought I'd change it up.

Added white - now I saw a goat.

Or at least an animal.

Added a few little elements here & there

and it still wasn't working for me.

I was having a hard time this morning

finding my 'zone'...

Some days are like that.

You gotta move on.

You gotta get past that.

Sometimes things flow

and sometimes they don't.

So I had leftover blue paint

from the sheep/mountain goat painting

(and you know i can't leave leftover paint)

so i quickly painted this background

in my journal page.

Just 2 blues and white.

This one felt a little better,

but still - not quite.

Then i flipped it over

and saw this Phantom of the Opera angry face,

and it freaked me out,

so i thought I'd move on to something else.

(Groove, groove, where art thou

on a rainy Saturday morning?)

So I switched mediums.

Got my pen, my little "draw your life" sketchbook

and sketched a few of my favorite pens.

Easy peasy.

No scary faces here. LOL.

I have a ton of other favorite pens

but decided to just draw a few.

I stayed in the blue room for at least 3 hours.
It was strange - I felt the need to paint,
but almost everything I attempted felt wrong.
I KNOW! There IS no wrong in painting!
But i just felt like something was off.

 Even when I attempted this with acrylic paints
and a piece of leftover cardboard hanging around...

It began as an abstract
but ended up looking like this.
I liked it a LITTLE more than the other stuff
but not much more.
I do like this part though.
The part that makes it look like a rooster.
Anyway - painting is a strange thing.
Sometimes, you can paint something
that feels exactly like YOU. Like your vision of something.
And other times, you paint something
and when you look at it, you might think:
"Wow. Where the hell did THAT come from?"
Or at least that's how it is for me.

I still felt like I had more painting to do,
so i grabbed my little 'draw your life' book
and flipped to the first empty page.

Draw the first thing you see.
I had my coffee cup nearby,
so i painted the cup (still leftover blue) :)
and then i had a brain fart
and actually misspelled the word COFFEE! LOL!!

I spelled it COFFEY!
So as soon as i realized it,
I laughed and just thought,
"oh what the fuck, here we go"...
and then I had to paint the eye on the cup
because that would just make everything ok.
(giggle)...
You know how when you imagine things a certain way,
and they just don't work out that way?
Yeah, that's what it was like this morning.
But still - it was a lovely morning!
When I came out of my blue room 3+ hours later,
I didn't feel like I had wasted one second.
Even if i didn't like what i had done -
i liked that i had done it.

On that note, I want to share a few photos here
of the Mount Allison University campus in Sackville, NB.
Isn't it beautiful?
My son and I went to an Open House there last week.
Alex graduated high school a few years ago
and is still considering his 'career' options.

This is the Fine Art building.

Such a beautiful campus,
it makes me consider going to university. :)

I am a sucker for doors.
LOVE them.
Those that open and even those that close. :)

 I love that there's so much green everywhere.

And this beautiful tree

got a hug from me!

Thanks for being here.

I hope life's been good to you.

xox

Darwin and Parkinson's disease

But in every walk with nature,

one receives far more than he seeks.

- John Muir

So this is what I've been busy with lately.

Or who I've been bus with. :)

Since dad's diagnosis with Parkinson's

only a few months ago,

he's had a few falls.

A few weeks ago, he had a bad fall

on his bathroom floor

and broke 5 ribs, cut his arm and 

bruised his face like a prize fighter. 

So he has to use a walker for a while,

at least until his ribs heal.

(I wish he would come to terms with using it

all the time for balance, but i know he won't.)

It's hard to pull back and not tell him what to do.
I read somewhere that the cause for
much of the unhappiness we feel
is because we don't accept reality as it is.
We want to change things
or control things.

I wish my dad would use a walker all the time,
so that he wouldn't fall again,
but I know he won't.
And I can't force him.
He wouldn't listen to me anyway.

Dad's always been fiercely independent (like moi)
so I know he'll end up doing what he wants to do
and I have to accept that whatever happens - happens.
There are times in life that are joyful
and other times that are not so joyful.
This is a somewhat "not so joyful" time.

So when dad went back home

and I knew he was on the mend

and I could breathe again,

I went into my blue room

and "binge painted" for like 6 hours. :)

The painting above is the 1st one I did

called "banana & grape". :)

A little sketch I did while I waited for my car to be fixed...

And a few days ago,
when I had more time on my hands
and I knew dad was ok,
I did another "sheet music" portrait.

Charles Darwin.

King of Evolution. :)

I love old black & white photos

(even if i decided to add color here)

I began wanting to use only sepia tones,
but I ended up adding some dark blue
and then some white.

 It's acrylic on paper...

 I love his serious look.

My aunt gave me a bunch of canvases
she had started painting on,
but no longer wanted. (Merci Angèle!!)
This (top) was a painting she had begun...

I just wanted to do something fun
while keeping some of her background...

 I played with the whites, and dots

and then filled in a few blocks of color...

I'm trying to let go of the whole "I like it"

or "I don't like it" judgement of my own paintings - 

but I like this.

(giggle)...

On another note,
I bought artwork from Yocopio a few weeks ago.
I've been following him on Instagram for a while now
and i love his stuff.
Makes me smile whenever I see them.
I get original artwork.
He gets my support ($)
The illustrations make me smile.
It's win-win for everyone. :)
And the Frieda you see there on the left,
and the beautiful print/painting on the right...
That's from my lovely friend, Stéphanie Guimond
a card with a hand written note in it.
Is there anything more precious than receiving snail mail?
In today's "automated everything" world,
i love anything handwritten.
Gifts that came in the mail
when I needed them most.

Currently reading this...
(Felix Scheinberger was one of the teachers on the
Sketchbook Skool course I took this past summer) 
I LOVE HIM and his artwork.
Amazing what you can learn in 6 short weeks.

And reading this...
I've always loved the words of Julia Cameron.

I am writing this post rather quickly,
so i fear I may have shared some of this artwork before,
or said some of these things before...
but hey. Not a big deal if I did.
Just pretend you're hearing it for the first time. :)
Thank you all for being here.
xx

art, illness and Gord Downie

Do I contradict myself?

Very well, then, I contradict myself;

I am large - I contain multitudes. 

- Walt Whitman

I said I would blog more often,

and I didn't.

I said I would begin each day with a morning walk,

and I haven't been doing that.

I said I would do yoga on a regular basis

and I did yoga this morning -

for the first time in like 7 days.

Sometimes, things don't unravel 

the way we think they will.

Sometimes, we set the bar high

and don't accomplish half of what we want to,

and sometimes, there is no bar

and we move mountains.

I know that for some reason lately,

it's been more difficult for me

to sit myself down and post something.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have anything

worthwhile to say,

and sometimes, there's very little art. 

I've begun posting on Instagram here & there

and although it feels less personal to me than blogging,

I love that you can post something in an instant

and post from the phone (vs the computer).

So you'll probably find me there more often

than here.

Of course, I won't give up blogging

because i love writing and because it allows me

to share in more detail with you all,

but maybe i was a little optimistic

when I said i would blog "weekly". :)

So I'll blog when I can blog,

and I'll Instagram when I can Instagram.

Remember, I suck at commitment,

so if I put any pressure on myself,

i'll cave! :)

September has been beautiful here so far

and yesterday was actually another beach day.

We've been lucky with this unusually warm fall.

Of course, everyone's already starting to talk about

how hard and cold this winter is predicted to be,

based on the Farmer's Almanac, 

a reference book founded in 1792!

Yeah, I think I'll just enjoy

the weather we're having RIGHT NOW

rather than start worrying about

what MAY happen in 3 or 4 months, thank you. :)

The corner stores and coffee shops here are filled

with old men in baseball hats,

forecasting the weather and

fixing the government. :)

So this happened to me a few weeks ago...

A ROOT CANAL!

And let me tell you, it was far less painful

than what I was expecting.

Of course, when people find out

you're getting a root canal,

they give you the deer in the headlights look

and then your knees turn to jello. 

Maybe I just got a really good specialist,

but it was no more painful than getting a tooth filling.

It took a bit longer, that's all.

So there MAY be root canal horror stories out there,

but mine wasn't one of them.

So if any of you out there ever need this done,

trust that it's ALL gonna be ok. :)

Gord Downie.

Most Canadians (and probably many Americans!) 

watched the Tragically Hip concert a few weeks ago, on CBC.

Gord Downie (the lead singer) has terminal brain cancer,

and they decided to give a farewell concert to all their fans,

in his hometown of Kingston, Ontario.

Our hearts broke several times during the night,

as our eyes were glued to the TV for a 3 hour concert.

Gord is living his life fully,

and now, he's showing us all how to die...

dancing on a stage & singing at the top of his lungs,

in flashy pants & feathered hats.

He makes me very proud to be Canadian.

So I've been using paint tape more often lately,

when i'm painting abstracts.

I love the big reveal in the end,
when you peel off the tape.

It may not seem like much to others,
but it's a thrill for me each time.

I alternate between painting (often abstract)
and illustrated journal writing.

Sometimes, I feel like telling a story
and sometimes, i just feel like FEELING something.

I know that can sound corny to some,
but that's really what abstract painting is for me.
Starting with a few marks on the page (or canvas)
and just letting them take me where they wanna go.

Usually, the end result is very different
than where i thought it would go in the beginning.
Like in this case.
When i began with those harsh blue & black marks,
i had no idea it would end up looking like this.
It started out looking angry,
and it looks rather peaceful to me now.
That's what art does.
It allows you to work through some of the crap
on a subconscious level
without you even KNOWING it's working through it.
It doesn't mean your problems are solved,
but I believe they are at least sitting in your heart
in a less destructive way.
In a way that eats less at your insides.
Maybe it's just me,
but i always feel better about everything
after I've made art.

This is also happening lately...
my dad was recently diagnosed with Parkinson.
We had been noticing the smaller steps & shuffling feet
and the occasional falls for a while now :(

It all makes me sad to see him losing the ability
to do so many things,
but that's life, isn't it?

I went with him to the neurologist this week
and the medication will make a difference.
But he is 81, so chances are,
things will get worse before they get better.

And of course, he wants to stay in his apartment

as long as he possibly can

and i totally respect his need for independence.

In the meantime, we do what we can

to make his life safe and comfortable.

We're the lucky ones
to have him with us still,
when so many others leave this world far too soon.

On that note, today is Sept 11, 2001.
As always, my thoughts are with the families
of those who died on this day 15 years ago now.
A day that must've been hell for so many...

And one has to understand
that braveness is not the absence of fear
but rather the strength to keep on going forward
despite the fear.
- Paul Coelho