Wednesday, May 15, 2013

grief in waves...

You'll stay with me?
Until the very end, said James.
- J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Sometimes i think i've lost my mind
to make a collage with this stuff....

scraps of paper that bring back sad memories
of mom
but scraps of paper i kept -
for one reason or another.
hospital room numbers,
hospital phone numbers...
stuff that i should want to bury deep away somewhere
or burn in the backyard fire pit...
but i don't want to.

i want to keep everything -
even the bad stuff that reminds me
of the suffering.
Suffering was part of her life in the end...
it was part of our lives
so why pretend it wasn't there?
i may as well honor it
as i do the good memories
even if it saddens me to remember.

I almost feel like these little scraps of paper haunt me
until i put them all together in one place
where they collectively form a certain memory in grief...
And once it's done,
i breathe easier
in a strange way.

Some people have issues with hoarding stuff,
i hoard memories. :-)

Be good to yourself.


  1. I have a big file full of my mom's cancer battle. I used to read it...keep it ready for reference...up to it is in my draw..I can't bring myself to open it. More than the papers, its the memories that break me down even now. I am sure Pauline, wherever your mom is, she is in a good place...and she will be around when you remember her. I think so about my mother.
    My hugs.

  2. You have a good point here negative is as important to recall and a great way of expressing it

  3. Life never really prepares us for these situations. Everyone has there own beautiful way of coping...this is a wonderful way to honor that time...a pivotal time that shapes who we are!

    I think the way you express yourself is so authentic, and meaningful. Eventually the greif gets better......promise!

    Hugs Giggles

  4. Sorry Pauline, but this time, I think I disagree with you, (that's life, to agree with the others, or disagree with the others)
    I think your mother is in your memory, and she knows very well how much you loved her,
    I am also a person who keeps things to not throw or burn. but I do not think we should "punish" ourselves, sadly. our loved ones, when they are gone, I guess they want us to be happy
    and remember them in their happy moments when they were with us laughing, sharing moments of happiness. if you think your mother is somewhere, surely that place is full of happiness.
    I wish you a nice weekend!!!!

  5. I like your collage. Anything that helps you get throught it, Pauline. I don't believe there is any right or wrong. Just do what works for you:)Peace be with you.

  6. I don't live in the same city my Mom did. After spending a month with her at the end last summer, once she passed I had to return to my home immediately - I had run out of pet sitters. I had to leave behind so many bits and pieces; I wish I had been able to bring her collection of cards and papers so that I could do what you are now doing.

  7. Sweetie - I'm sending you a big hug, holding your hand while you remember, and I'm going to remind you that it takes courage to remember, to embrace it all, to grieve. I am sending you love. xo

  8. We all process things in different ways. And if this collage is therapeutic...I say well done! Its your art.