the shackles are gone...

hello friends!

A lot has happened this week,

but it's been more about internal shifts

than anything external.

Although an external decision had to be made

in order for the internal to change and feel lighter. 

:)

I had a decision to make this week

that I've been putting off for years now.

I've been going back to an office job

on a part time basis for about 4 years.

It worked for me in the beginning,

but hasn't worked for me in a while

and I knew a decision had to be made eventually.

I just kept putting it off.

I doodled about it.
I wrote about it.
I journaled and painted
and thought about it.

Circumstances and life choices sometimes
force us to make decisions based on
what's necessary at the time,
rather than what we want.
Based on what our MIND wants
rather than what our heart wants.
The best decisions are always those
made from the heart, for the heart.

So this week,
when I got the phone call,
I said no.

I made the decision to say no to something

that was no longer fulfilling me,

so that I could say YES

to something that does.

And I am ecstatic.

I literally felt a shift within me
as soon as I got off the phone
that brought me back to that quiet place within
that we so often forget is there is along.

Especially when things get antsy and rushed
and chaotic and crazy.

I feel such a sense of relief.
The floodgates have now opened
for bigger and better things.
Making room for the e-course I want to teach.
Making room for art and books and writing.
Making room for so many projects
I've had on the back burner,
because of that dreaded phone call
I knew would come, asking me to return.

It wasn't easy to say no to this job
but it felt necessary to say no.

Do you ever feel that way about something?

Like you KNOW with every bone in your body
what you should do,
but you do the opposite,
because it's what normal people do.

Because it's what's expected of you.

Because you have bills to pay.

Because you're afraid.

Because you just HAVE to, otherwise,
people would think you've lost your mind.

I chose to listen to myself this time.
I know many people who will think
HAS SHE LOST HER MIND?
But the few people who matter to me
are already proud of my decision,
even if there are still so many unknowns.
The few people I care about
are happy for me already.
Those are the only ones
I'm listening to these days. :)

How can I preach about courage
if I am not courageous myself?
How can I teach others
to listen to that quiet space within them
if I don't do it myself?

Already, I feel a 200lb weight
lifted from my shoulders,
and I feel more hopeful about tomorrow
than I've felt in a long time.
I feel energized and inspired
and full of so many ideas
that I cannot wait to share with all of you.

The 1st sign of having made
the right decision.

I'll keep you all posted as I go along.

Who knows... I may be crying in my beer by next week,

but I doubt it.

It all feels too right to be wrong.

I'll close with this... it cracked me up,

probably because we now have

a furry little addition in the family too -

although not quite as white as this one. :)

are we there yet?

hello world.

I’ve been thinking a lot about women lately.

About us.

About my mom.

And my grandmother…

I’ve been thinking about how far we’ve come

and how far we still have to go.

Since Trump became POTUS,

I’ve become far more cynical,

far less trusting,

far more awake,

far more determined

to take my place in this world

and to speak against injustice.

I’ve also become more angry.

But it’s a good kind of anger.

(yes, there is such a thing).

Years ago, in my early 20’s,

I bought myself a car -

an Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.

Kinda like this one.

Does this look like the kind of car

a young, 5' woman

would want to drive?

No. I didn't think so either.

I was so proud of the fact

that I was making my own payments

and that eventually,

the car would be mine.

But more than anything,

I knew my dad would love the car,

so in reality - I bought the car partly to please him.

We had an outdoor gathering that summer,

and after I had parked the car there,

with my then boyfriend in the passenger seat,

I stepped out of the car,

and heard an older woman there ask me:

“why are you driving instead of your boyfriend?”

The question sounded so strange to me.

Why is he not driving?

Um, maybe because it’s MY FUCKING CAR?

(I didn't actually say this, but I thought it)

Why would I NOT be driving my own car?

She was from a generation of women

who gave their husbands the wheel

in more ways than one,

so seeing a man in the passenger seat

and a woman driving

made no sense to her.

She was from a generation of women

who let their husbands take charge

and they (the women) were expected

to sit quietly on the sidelines.

This whole Trump thing got me thinking

about how often women are dismissed

as ‘less important’ than men.

It got me thinking about how often

so many of us put up and shut up

rather than stand up and speak out.

It got me thinking about how often

I had to fend off comments of a sexual nature

from my “bosses” in the workplace

when I was in my early 20’s.

It got me thinking about why so many women

keep rape to themselves.

Why would they say anything,

when history has shown,

time and time again,

that the victim becomes the accused,

because she was wearing a skimpy skirt,

or because she drank too much,

or because she was asking for it,

and the accused is so often set free?

Then I saw the movie Maudie in theatres

a few weekends ago, and again,

I thought about how many women

had learned to stand in the shadows

of their husbands -

because they were taught to believe

that they belonged there.

They were taught to believe

that they themselves had no right

to stand in their own light.

And how this feeling of being treated

as less than another

gave birth to stronger women,

with soaring spirits,

and determined minds,

and a relentless and persistent

quest for truth and fairness.

This whole Trump thing has made me 

more of a feminist than ever before.

In a good way. :)

This is my grandmother (mom's mother).

Eva Doiron.

A colored pencil drawing I did of her years ago.

She raised 13 children

while she kept the home

and baked bread & cookies early in the morning.

She loved conversation and politics.

She may have dreamed of a different life,

but this is the one she lived.

And she did so with a smile on her face

and lots of love in her heart,

especially for children and the poor.

I'm willing to bet it wasn't always easy for her either.

And on that note, I'll leave you

with the trailer for another strong woman:

Maudie.

What I do when my heart feels heavy

hello Munchkins.

The world feels so angry right now, doesn't it?

At least it does to me.

It seems there's a shooting or a bombing

or a hate crime happening 

somewhere in the world every minute.

It saddens me that we haven't yet learned

to live with each other

without killing one another.

I try not to let all the heaviness get to me,

but man, it's hard sometimes.

I haven't painted much lately

but the little bit I've done seems to have

set my heart in its place again.

It's a strange thing (and hard to describe to a NON artist)

but whenever I feel the weight of the world

on my shoulders,

it lingers as an uneasy, unsettled feeling

until I sit myself down and make art.

Or write something.

Especially poetry.

Only then do I begin to feel grounded again,

as though I am part of something grand,

even if it feels like chaos sometimes.

Years ago, when I was a young teenager,

I was sitting in a park one day,

looking at the trees,

and thinking about how we came to call them TREES.

They had no name, really.

They were part of the landscape around me

and until we categorized them as TREE,

they basically just existed.

I tried to look at the tree

with fresh eyes -

to think about how we shared the air

and the space and the same existence,

at this particular point in time.

Without knowing it,
I was living in the moment.

For a few seconds,
I was ONE with the universe.

(...and, I've lost 10 readers.)

Hear me out.

Once in a while during the day,
something happens to remind me
that THIS moment
is the only one that really counts.

We focus so much on tomorrows
and on yesterdays
and on what ifs
and on should haves
that we lose sight of what we have,
right here, right now.

Of course I know it's difficult
to be with the 'here and now'.
Life happens.
We need groceries, so we need 
to plan meals.

We need to work to pay the bills,
we need to prepare certain things in advance,
otherwise, they won't get done on time.
We're taking care of kids
and taking care of aging parents
and paying the mortgage or rent
and feeding the dog
and dealing with our own demons.

Being in the moment works
if you're a guru
or a yoga master
or a monk in a monastery. 

Not so easy if you're a single mom
or if you have terminal cancer
or if you're holding down 2 jobs
to pay the bills.

But the funny thing is,
being in the moment
only requires a MOMENT.
I go through my day like everyone else.
Sometimes rushed,
sometimes angry,
sometimes calm,
sometimes curious,
sometimes happy,
sometimes sad.

But those magic moments can happen
anywhere.

In line at the grocery store.

Hanging clothes out on the line (yes, i do this and love it).

Driving the car to pick up my son.

Hearing a beautiful song on the radio.

So many moments in the day
have the potential
to be magic.

We just need to learn to tune in.

Sometimes, when I skip yoga,
I at least find the time
to sit myself down on the couch and breathe deeply.

3 deep breaths, in and out,
and I think
about the magic of lungs,
and the heart,
and the brain,
and good intentions,
and the energy of ALL living things
(including trees)
and of the power of love.

Poetry, music, art.
The stabilizing forces 
when all else seems to fall apart.

Before I did this piece (below),
I had a knot in my chest.

Sometimes, we just need to get it out, don't we?

This works for me.
And just after this, I felt more grounded again.
Until the next frustrating feeling comes along.
Which I'll just paint again. ;)

I'm convinced that if more people learned
to write and paint their frustrations,
there would be far less hate in this world.

Or at least it would all be on paper
and not as bullets to the chest.

xo