an anniversary i'd rather forget

Two years ago today,

mom died.

It's always a sad day.

Plus, it's snowing today.

On her last days,
when she knew the end was near,
she wished to at least see the snow
one last time.
She loved the first falling snow,
loved the white snow in the trees,
and she loved Christmas.

She never did get to see the snow again.

So whenever I see the first snowfall now,
it makes me sad.

My brother got this tattoo made...

in honour of mom.

She loved music,

and this song in particular by ABBA,

I have a dream.

She had asked her 12 siblings 

to sing it at her funeral...

They did

and our hearts broke

into a million pieces.

And just yesterday,

I was sorting out some of my old cards

and found this one mom had given me

a few years ago.

I am choosing to honour her memory

by continuing to dream beautiful dreams,

even if it's sometimes hard,

even if i sometimes stand alone,

even if they may never come true...

do we really have a choice? Yes Virginia... we do have a choice.

An artist must never be a prisoner.

Prisoner? An artist should never be a prisoner
of himself, prisoner of style, prisoner of reputation,
prisoner of success, etc.
- Henri Matisse

Every once in a while,
I struggle with the art I make
so this quote by the fabulous Henri Matisse
puts me back in my place
as an artist.

I jump from one style to the next,
one subject to the next,
one medium to the next, 
and when writing makes more sense than art,
I write.

While I'm making art,
I never think of why I'm doing it.
I just do it.

But every once in a while
usually when I start comparing myself to others -
I look at my messy art room
and all the paper everywhere
and different notebooks and journals
and all those paintings lying around -
I think to myself:
what am I doing with all this?
why am I doing all of this?

why don't i just give all this stuff away
and start at zero again?

why haven't I been able to sell this stuff?
Is it not good enough?
Am I asking too much?
Am I selling in the wrong place?
Is the work just too varied?

And then I hear Matisse's whisper in my ears...
An artist should never be a prisoner
of himself...
of style
of reputation
of success.

And it reminds me gently
that I do it for no one
but myself
because art is my way
of making sense of the world...

even when there is sometimes
very little sense to be found.

The world can feel like a huge mess sometimes
but I don't believe it's any different
than what it's always been.
The difference today is this:
we see & hear about everything
as it happens.

If we choose to tune in,
we get live coverage,
24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
There were diseases all throughout history.
Killer diseases.
The great influenza of 1918
killed between 50 and 100 million people
in 6 months!
The black death killed 
a 3rd of the population in Europe
in the 1400s, and again in the 1700s.
Wars have existed 
since the dawn of time.

Those who live in war torn nations
have little choice but to try & manage the madness.
But most of us do have a choice.
We can look at all the crap around us
and see nothing but negativity
and become a paranoid society...
or we can shut off the damn news
and start to notice the GOOD in the world.
There are lots of good people out there
doing wonderful things.
Let's not lose sight of this.

Just this week, a young, brave woman
by the name of Brittany Maynard
chose to end her life at the tender age of 28
after being diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.
You can see her story here.
We are so long overdue this discussion
on dying with dignity.
After having been dealt
such a shitty hand in life,
this young woman
chose this message as her last to the world:
The world is a beautiful place.
Travel has been my greatest teacher,
my close friends and folks are the greatest givers.
I even have a ring of support around my bed as I type.
Goodbye world.
Spread good energy.
Pay it forward!

Let's remember this, ok?

And on a lighter note,
this video of Henri Matisse
just makes me happy.
I hope you like it too.
Thank you all for being here with me.
xx

The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind...

Hatred and fear blind us.
We no longer see each other.
We only see the faces of monsters,
and that gives us the courage
to destroy each other.

- Thich Nhat Hanh

I often say that we all want the same thing in life -
to love and be loved.
Based on what I've seen (and read)
in the past week
I may be wrong.

The shooting in the House of Parliament in Ottawa this week 
reminded me that things are not so simple,
and that sadly,
some people want revenge
more than love.

I heard someone say recently
that they just wished people
would stop killing each other.
I wish for the same,
although I know it'll never happen
because of fear
because of religion
because of ego
because of desperation
because of greed
because of anger
because of empty hearts...

I've just finished a book called
THE HOUSE IN THE SKY
written by Amanda Lindhout,
a Canadian journalist
who reported on wars across the world,
who was captured and tortured as a prisoner 
for over a year in war torn Somalia
with her Australian friend & photographer,
Nigel Brennan.
Books like these always remind me of
how fragile we all are.
Of how much we are a product
of our environment.
Of how easy it is to judge others.
Of how unfair things are in the world.
Of how money matters.
Of how hatred is learned.
Of how there are so many things about the world
I don't understand.

While Amanda was a prisoner there,
she learned that one of her captors watched
as his entire family was killed
when he was a young child.
How can someone like that not hate?
It's not impossible to love again - but very difficult.
Amanda was held captive
for over a year - abused and starved.
How can she not hate?

And yet -
she is choosing to forgive
because she knows hatred
would only poison her heart
and the heart of the world.
xx

(the painting is a young Bob Dylan, acrylic on paper)