guilt is a good teacher

hello everyone!

I'm happy to be back.

I hate that it's been weeks since I've posted.

I miss my on-line tribe. (yes, that's you!)

My time is so much more limited

now that I'm in a prison cell

(I mean a cubicle) for 8 hours a day. :)

During the past few weeks,

there's been some art,

lots of reading,

revelations,

guilt,

yoga,

beauty,

frustrations,

beach walks,

finding something

and losing something.

Not necessarily in that order. 

I look forward to the days

where i can blog more regularly again.

So I have to share this story with you.
I went to a restaurant earlier this week for lunch.
It was a cool day, so i brought my book
and had a nice bowl of soup.

When I walked out of the restaurant,
there were 2 people walking my way -
a young woman and a young man
both dressed in black.
They both had huge backpacks on,
with dangling silver cups on the side.
"Excuse me", he said.
"Could you spare some money?
We're hiking across Canada
and we're looking for any help we can get".

I stopped long enough to acknowledge them both,
smiled, and said "no, sorry"
and they turned away & continued to walk
and I kept walking my way to the office.
I.
said.
no.
Why did I say no?
I couldn't believe I had said no.

Hello guilt.
me: Why didn't you give them something?

the other me: they should have a bit of money if they want to do this.

me: But they're 2 young people living a dream!

the other me: maybe they'd buy drugs or booze.

me: OR MAYBE THEY'D BUY FOOD!!
it's not up to you what they spend it on.
When you give from the heart, you just give!

the other me: they shouldn't rely on others for something like this.

me: You should've given them at least something
and let them spend it however they want to!

me: You have at least $80 in your wallet and a brownie.

You could have at least spared $5 AND the brownie!

Who hasn't wanted to do what they're doing at one point in their life?

How brave they are to be leaving with little in their pockets 
and the HOPE that they are gonna make it!

me: Remember Cheryl Strayed - in the book WILD?
How there were moments when she was hungry
and she had to rely on the goodness of strangers
to make it another day?
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN THAT STRANGER!

YOU could have been that stranger.

 you could have been that stranger...

I turned around to see if I could still see them,
and considered running after them to give them something,
but they were nowhere in sight.
They were gone.
Slowly, and with a heavy heart,
I walked back to the office.

When I got to my gray little space,

I told a co-worker what had just happened

and that I regretted not giving them something,

and her reply was:

they should work for their money

just like we do.

As I sat down and pretended I was a robot again,
I thought about how selfish we've all become.
When did we become so greedy?
So unfeeling towards others?
I have no problem sending money
to starving children in third world countries,
but when I have 2 human beings
in front of my face - I say no.

I didn't let the guilt wash over me
any longer than it had to -
I don't let myself feel crappy about myself
for too long - because deep down,
that accomplishes nothing
and i think we're all doing the best we can
at given times in our lives.
But I did make a conscious decision
to do things differently next time.
So many of us have opportunities every day
to do things differently.
To be that stranger. 

And just when I was in need

of something good in my week,

i get this lovely card from a fellow artist

with words that melted my heart.

Thank you Lorinda.

Your card could not have come

at a better time. 

...and then (I swear), THE NEXT DAY,

i get this lovely print from a painting by my good friend Tara, (T!)

who is also a wonderful artist -

(the actual colors are beautiful - this pic is not the greatest) 

along with a beautiful photo she took

of a bird in flight at the ocean.

I love the print so much T.

I love it all.

So i leave you with this.

I'm reading a book about some of the horrors

the Jews had to endure during WW2

and the Nazi occupation in Europe.

This passage stayed with me

and is probably the best definition of HOPE

I have ever seen.

Thank you all for sharing this space with me.
xx