Friday, December 2, 2016

how do you make sense of a crazy world?

hello everyone!

My journal entry from
November 29th, 2016:


I just came back from a beautiful walk.
The sun was shining and as I walked,
it started snowing at the same time.
Part of the sky was dark and cloudy,
ant the other part was blue sky.
So pretty.
The snowflakes falling
looked like little sparkles
or sprinkles in the sky.
It's moments like these
that feel blessed to me.
And i hesitate to say blessed
because it implies there is someone
or something
doing the blessing,
and that's just not what I believe.
It's just that whenever I see something like that,
or hear beautiful music -
even just a single note sometimes,
I feel like my insides turn to mush
and I am somehow weaved in
with the note or the snowflake
or the singing bird and for a moment -
we become one.
I know it sounds corny,
but whenever these moments happen for me,
everything makes sense.
It is no doubt what Eckhart Tolle calls
being in the moment.
It's not that everything makes sense, really,
but more like nothing else exists
outside of my tiny moment
with the snowflakes.
Like the rest of the world comes to a stop
and my moment happens in slow motion -
to make sure i grasp the significance.
It is during times like these
that I am grateful
for my artist heart.


So it's been a rough past few months
for many of us
and as much as I am still saddened
by everything happening in the world,
specifically the hatred
I am reminded every day
that there are still small miracles
all around me and that
I am still the same person.
Only maybe more resilient now.
Maybe more determined
to speak out when it's time
for my voice to be heard.
I still love books.
I still love painting.
And writing.
I love my family
and my friends.
I love connecting with others
around the world (like you!).
These things will never change,
regardless of what is happening
around me.
I hope you are finding 
some sort of peace with it all too.
Especially my American friends.
Regardless of who you voted for,
let's face it,
there's a lot of uncertainty
for a lot of people right now.
Sometimes, having the world around us
shift in strange and unpleasant ways
makes us even more determined
to take our place in it.
On another note,
I did some cards with my acrylic paintings
and ordered them from Vistaprint
during their Black Friday sale (60% off!)
and I got them yesterday.
So exciting!
I like sending a little something extra
to those who buy from my ETSY shop,
so I'm pretty happy with these.
I'll be sending some
in Christmas cards this year as well...
I love the combination of
art and words.
Both are equally important to me.
Big love to every one of you.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

good guys vs bad guys

It's over when I say it's over.
- Walter White, Breaking Bad
I just don't know anymore.
I can't tell the difference
between the good guys
and the bad guys anymore. 
The line is blurred for me now.
It's far less obvious
than it used to be.
Maybe it never was 'clear' to begin with
but i was just too naive to notice.
A police officer in uniform
doesn't mean the same today as it used to.
Neither does a priest in robes,
or a homeless person in tattered clothing,
or a politician in an expensive suit.
I don't trust anyone at face value anymore.
I am skeptical now
especially of men in positions of authority,
because too many have abused their power.
I used to question everything,
and now, it seems I question everyone.
So yeah, i don't know.
I think if I can just put enough distance
between myself and the assholes,
i should be ok. 
I thought about this yesterday,
when I heard of Fidel Castro's death
and heard varying comments
from different people on the news.
To one person, he was a saviour.
To another person, he was evil.
He is the SAME person,
but everyone had their own opinion of him,
and their own reasons
for loving him or hating him.
20 years ago, when I gave birth to my son,
I remember several women warning me
about a certain male doctor at the hospital
and how they hoped he wouldn't be there
during my delivery - because he was "a nightmare".
And lo and behold,
who do I get during my delivery:


But he was not a nightmare for me.
He was everything I expected a doctor should be:
professional, capable, caring...
and he helped me as I gave birth
to a beautiful healthy little boy
(who's now 20 and over 6 feet tall). :)

Moral of the story:

people are not always
who you expect them to be.

Especially when we base our opinion
on what others say about them.
So I've made a bit of art
over the past little while.
It's been a rough November,
so i'm kinda relieved that it's almost over.
I heard someone the other day say that
November is the cloudiest month of the year.
It's also kind of an "in-between" month, isn't it?
We lost mom in November (4 years ago now).
The golden leaves are gone from the trees.
It gets dark at about 5pm.
The snow is not yet here,
so there's no pretty white blanket on the ground.
Everything's gray.
The days are short.
With everything happening all around the world lately,
the words of Rosa Parks have deeper meaning than ever.
I will never understand racism
or bigotry
or homophobia
or sexism.

I will never understand so many things.

Maybe some questions
will just never have answers...
We are all sensitive to what goes on in the world,
but I tend to become overly sensitive sometimes.
I've learned throughout the years
that some things are not good for me:

listening to the news

staying inside too much
(not getting out in nature)

too much negativity

being in a crowd

too much social media


watching too much TV
I've also learned that some things
are really good for me:

making art




walking in nature

coffee (or wine!) with a good friend

good music

ice cream

pizza :)

So I try as much as I can
to avoid the things that don't work for me -
and focus on the things that DO.
Of course sometimes I'm in a crowded mall,
or with someone negative,
and although I don't like it,
I don't explode into a million tiny pieces ;)
But as much as I can,
I do what brings me joy
in the course of a day
because if I don't do it for myself,
who will?

Wishing you all
tiny moments of joy in your day
because it's the tiny moments
that really count.

Friday, November 18, 2016

we are ONE world

Where to begin...
I wanted to write something last week
but the heaviness enveloped me 
and none of the words in my head
made any sense.

Like many around the world,
my heart felt like lead in my chest.

I am only now beginning to breathe again.

The election results.
The death of Leonard Cohen.
Remembrance Day.
My heart shattered for so many people.
Those in the US who now fear
that their lives will change
That families will be torn apart.
Millions of people now know that
millions of other people don’t want them there.

And as if that isn't heavy enough on its own,
they also know 
that the president of their own country
feels the same way
so that makes it ok
in the eyes of many. 
All I could think of the next morning
as I heard the results,
were the Jews in Nazi Germany in 1939
and how they were also made to feel
less than.

How it all began
with the separation of "us" vs "them".

I think if we all knew more about history,
we would understand the gravity of the words:
let us not repeat the past.
I don’t fear Trump
but i do fear the monster he awoke.

He threw gasoline in the fire
and gave racism and sexism and bigotry
and the KKK
front row seats to the shit show.

(why the KKK is still a thing in the USA is beyond me.)
And now, both sides will clash
with venom and judgement and death
and the physical walls will mean less in time
than the walls being built 
in the hearts of a nation.
Nothing good ever comes from division.
We are ONE world.
Clearly, there is still so much racism and sexism
and fear of those who are different,
lingering in the shadows of the world.

Only now, they’re not so much in the shadows.
There are people 
who were born and raised in the USA
who no longer feel safe there -
who no longer feel like it’s home.
Those who voted for Trump
may not consider themselves racists or homophobes
but they consciously chose a man who is
and who built his entire platform
on fear and hatred
and dividing a nation
rather than unifying it.

But this was still ok.

A protest vote,
to stick it to the government,
even if it meant
putting other lives in the crossfire.
On Remembrance Day,
there were comments on social media
expressing gratitude to all veterans,
for what they sacrificed for our freedom,
and I wondered...
are we really grateful?
Can we really say "thanks for the freedom"
and then go on disliking those
who are different than we are?

Would we not be better to express thanks
by trying to understand one another
and treat each other as equals for a change,
regardless of race, gender or religious views?
I wonder why it’s still so difficult
for so many people
to work together
and see our similarities
instead of our differences.

Thanks for being here.
Wherever you are in the world,
know that YOU MATTER
and that love matters.

Now let the healing begin.