Friday, October 6, 2017

it's a little dark in here

Look at how a single candle can both defy and define the darkness.
- Anne Frank
hello Munchkins.

The world is a heavy place lately, isn't it?

I've been less consistent with blogging lately,
mainly because I've been too fucking heartbroken.

What do you say when all hell breaks loose?

Yes, I've been doing my best to stay on the light side of things
but holy shit, some days are hard.

The mass shootings,
the hurricanes,
the suffering...

I distance myself from it all now and then,
and then it all somehow comes back to me,
like gravitational pull.

Maybe that's what's meant to happen.
Maybe some things in life
are meant to anger us,
and move us 
towards the truth?

Towards our truth.

So the past months have been
give and take for me.

I've spent some days working hard,
and other days reading on the patio
with a good coffee.

And i'm ok with this.

Some days are meant to be
more productive than others.
I've felt so consumed by everything
that I barely knew how to process it.

Whenever I'd sit in my blue room to paint,
I'd often just sit there - for like 10 or 15 minutes...
before I'd decide to even pick up a brush,
or a pen, and just do something.

More often than not, it ended up being something like this:
But hey, I try to honor how I feel at the time.

It's been painful for me to learn 
that there are so many racists in the world.

It's been painful to learn
that some of them are my relatives.

It's been painful to learn
that there are homophobes
and chauvinists
and those who care very little
about the suffering of others.

So many of us fail to show compassion
when so many people in the world
are in desperate need
of love and understanding right now.
So yeah, maybe this is my 'blue period' in painting.

If Picasso had one, I can have one too. :)

Everything I've done lately 
seems to be just one or two toned.
Color doesn't feel right to me at this time.

When I feel like using more color again, I will.

And speaking of color - check out the beautiful tomatoes
from our little garden in the back yard.
We've been eating fresh veggies for months now.  
I'm also still in the throws of preparing my e-course.

At this point, I'm not setting a date.
Initially, it was going to be 6 weeks,
but I've now decided on 4 weeks.

It's been more work than I anticipated
but then, maybe that's because I am putting myself
under too much pressure for it to be perfect.

And I, of all people, know damn well that





Why do we do this to ourselves?

So I'm trying to get past my fears
and reassuring myself
that someone will get something out of it,
and that if ONE person finds the courage
to make art and express herself
and find her own voice,
it will have been worth it.

I joined Tara Leaver's 7 day series art challenge.
I thought I'd try to process some of my anger
by painting abstracts
because, well, it's healthier than keeping it
bottled up inside.

Here's a song I love by Amelia Curran,
from St. John's, Newfoundland, Canada.

I love her because she dares to be vulnerable,
she's an advocate for those with mental illness,
and she writes her own songs. 

Thanks for letting me
into your weekend space.


  1. Great journal pages and fab looking tomatoes

  2. I share your pain. And then I remember...I was born 2 weeks after Pearl Harbor. When I was 2 weeks old my mother boarded a train for California (with blackout shades on the windows) to meet my father who had a new job. She too must have thought the world was total chaos and here I am 75 years later thinking the same thing. Hopefully it is a cyclical thing.

  3. Seems like so many of us are feeling the pain , sadness and anger. Thank goodness for art! Your pieces albeit moody are releasing your thoughts and they are wonderful expressions of it all. Lucky you to have so many gorgeous looking tomatoes! Happy PPF!

  4. Hang in there my friend and don't forget to breathe. Let me know when your e-course is ready as I'd love to check it out :).
    Stay inspired!

  5. Awesome post! I am about where you are at. I hardly watch the news anymore and when I do, I keep thinking how can we not impeach this guy because of all the crap he says in Twitters alone? I do love your words, your art and you being able to express it. This year has become an ugly blur to me for so many reasons. I stopped doing art all together. I need to do something. Maybe I will try to paint my anger and sadness? You have inspired me to do something, anything, and I thank you so much! Big hugz to you, Rasz

  6. oh Pauline, I agree with everything you're writing here. It's good that you're finding an outlet in art, one colour or a splash of colours, who cares. As long as you can get the feelings that are bottled up inside out of you and onto the paper. Your Trump-page could be on a t-shirt. I'm sure a lot of people would wear it ;-) I bet it felt good to write that down :-)

  7. This post made me cry probably because I'm feeling the same! My heart just breaks. The lack of empathy appalls me at times! Artists, musicians, and poets are all the ones who tend to feel so deeply for others and present what their heart feels!! Gary Jules it's a mad mad world is playing in my head after reading this!! Paint it out my friend, paint it out!

    Peace Giggles

  8. I think most of us feel the same as you do. You know how much I love your art but this week is the dt page. Keep your eyes to the light my friend.

  9. Dear Pauline.
    Like plants and trees, we too are cyclical beings of this planet. We shed, we grow, we hibernate in our cocoons when we need to, so that when the time is right, we will have the strength and the clarity to spread our wings and grow branches and new leaves. People who are close to this truth feel like you do--this is called living with awareness:)
    Sending you love and hugs my kindred soul. xx

  10. I love your garden. Blessings, Janet